The long-awaited drinking game is here. After writing a voter guide drink menu for tonight’s festivities, here’s how to play the game* If you need suggestions for drinks, click here for Gubernatorial drinks and here for TN-03 candidates.

Chug your drink:

1. Every time a Haslam ad appears on TV.

2. The mention of secession

3. A country/Christian music star mentioned on TV about supporting Zach Wamp.

Take a shot when:

1. A Chattanooga-based candidate says the words, “Volkswagen” or “VW.”

2. Someone mentions BasilMarceaux.com

3. You hear the Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling in the background

Take a drink when:

1. A candidate infers innocence from running a dirty campaign and blames the opposition.

2. A candidate references attack ads, dirty mailers or tricks.

3. A candidate cites an endorsement.

4. A candidate awkwardly references their website address.

5. A reporter or anchor says the following words:

-Voter turnout
-”It’s too early to tell”
-”Gonna be a close one”
-Victory party
-Tea party
-Landslide
-Mama Grizzly
-Women vote
-Precinct
-red state
-Islam/Muslim
-Mudslinging

6. A GOP candidate says the following words:

-Obamacare
-Economy
-Job creation
-Stimulus
-Bailout
-Big Government
-Government Spending
-Pelosi
-Obama
-Healthcare
-Victory tonight
-tax cuts
-trial lawyer
-establishment
-Tea Party
-Conservative victory
-Family Values

7. A candidate thanks his/her family

8. B-roll is shown of the following:

-Elderly poll watchers
-Rednecks
-Alex P. Keaton clones
-Ballots
-People walking into the poll

9. You see someone with a “I voted today” sticker

Any more rules? Suggest them in the comments.

*Be a grown up. Please drink responsibly.

Given the sheer insanity of the gubernatorial race, the national awareness of Basil Marceaux, the weirdness of the Hamilton County Republicans endorsing a Democrat to protect the good ol’ boy system and a final end to Mudfest 2010: Robin vs. Chuck, I’ve created the first-ever CosmoCon Election Night Drinking Game.™ Even a teetotaler from the Southern Baptist Convention would have to agree that we deserve this as a state, especially Hamilton County. We’ve known about Basil Marceaux for a lot longer than anyone else in the country.

This game is split into three parts. Part 1: Gubernatorial Candidates Described by Mixed Drink and Part 2: TN-03 Candidates Described by Mixed Drink, Part 3: Primary Returns Drinking Game Rules.

(I sincerely apologize if this offends anyone. These drinks are meant in jest.)

I’m posting part one today because it also doubles as a handy voting guide if you’re still confused about who to select on the ballot. If you want a real voter guide, go to Chattarati.

Part One: Republican Gubernatorial Candidates Described by Mixed Drink

Basil Marceaux.com

How do you find or create a drink recipe worthy of this viral sensation? At this point, I can’t come up with much more to write about him. If you’ve missed your latest Basil news, click here.

Last night, Colbert did a special on the race featuring our favorite spice candidate. The boys at Red State Update also met up with him. Unfortunately, Basil is wearing a tie from my alma mater in the interview.

I present, the BasilMarceaux.com:

2 parts Southern Comfort
1 part Mountain Dew
1 part Cranberry juice
fresh basil leaf

Fill a mason jar 1/4 to 1/2 full with Southern Comfort, depending on how strong you want the drink. Fill the jar the rest of the way with a combination of Mountain Dew and cranberry juice. Garnish with a fresh basil leaf. Stir and enjoy! Add some ice if you plan on drinking this over a period of time. (Developed from here.)

The Wamp!
I’ve been upfront with my support about Congressman Zach Wamp. He’s done a great job representing TN-03. He’s a solid Christian, a great family man and has been a staunch advocate for conservative values in DC. However, I acknowledge that he can be…intense…at times. Hence his official drink, a play on Red Bull and Vodka. I’m calling this The Wamp!

2 oz. vodka
6 oz. cranberry juice
4 oz. Redbull

Chill ingredients, then mix into glass. Serve cold or on the rocks. (Drinknation.com)

The Redbull gives you a Wamp-level of energy. The cranberry juice makes it red for Republican. The vodka – well – you can never go wrong with vodka.

The Red Umbrella
For those not familiar with the wonder of Tennessee politics, the unfortunate frontrunner is Bill Haslam, a moderate Republican who makes most Tennessee Democrats proud. Basing his campaign on mediocre leadership in Knoxville as the current mayor, (I used to live there. It’s a city of malaise.) he is bankrolled by a vast oil fortune controlled by Daddy Haslam (true nickname) and his brother. Haslam is running on a record of gun rights (his brief lifetime membership in the NRA proves it.), his sort-of-popular record in Knoxville (anyone compared to the previous mayor of Knoxville, Victor Ashe, is a winner. Seriously, The Simpson’s Mayor Quimby would be successful compared to Ashe.), and some kind of experience in business. Because working at the company that your family owns shows all kinds of business acumen.

Why is this drink the Red Umbrella? Well, Bill Haslam recruited Tom Ingram, a veteran of Tennessee politics, to run his campaign. Ingram’s candidates always have a gimmick. Senator Lamar! Alexander had a plaid shirt and Fred Thompson had a red truck. Haslam got the red umbrella, preferably without the Rihanna song. (You can thank me for getting that stuck in your head.)

Without further ado, the Red Umbrella:

1 part passion fruit liqueur (for his sudden passion in conservatism)
1 part cranberry juice
Champagne
Fresh cranberries, for garnish

Shake the first two ingredients over ice. Strain into a champagne glass. Top with Champagne. Garnish with cranberries, on a toothpick. (Source.)

The use of bubbly is a smart choice given Haslam’s vast fortune. This drink also needs to be served with an actual paper umbrella. Bonus points if you find a red one.

Ron Ramsey

To be honest, I really don’t know that much about Ramsey. I know he is a conservative. He’s made a few gaffes, particularly his regrettable comments about Islam. According to my trusty friend, Wikipedia, he was also one of the few members of the General Assembly to accept donations from the Jack Daniel’s PAC and the Tennessee Wine & Spirit Distributor’s PAC. Thus, while he would probably endorse my connection of mixed drinks to candidates, Ramsey is one of the roadblocks in selling wine in grocery stores in Tennessee. (Sad face.)

In honor of his connection to the spirit industry, Ramsey gets a Jack Daniels drink. I’m going with the Tennessee Tea™ since Ramsey has gotten the support of many Tea Party supporters in the state.

1 part Jack Daniel’s® Tennessee Whiskey
1 part triple sec
1 part sour mix
2 parts Coke®

Combine ingredients and serve over ice.

Part 2: TN-03 Candidates described by mixed drink will be posted later tonight. Any suggestions?

Hamilton County, the part of Southeast Tennessee where I spent most of my life, you restored my faith.

First of all, you made the rest of the country aware of the amazing platform that could only belong to Basil Marceaux. Prior to his viral video, the only people who knew about him were the unfortunate drivers who saw his enormous sign at the intersection of Hamill Road and 153 during the 2008 election, Tea Party attendees, the editors at Chattarati and me. His uniqueness was just too much to keep within the Scenic City.

Yes, America. You can thank us. The anti-stop light lobby has a spokesman…finally.

Now, prominent members of the Hamilton County Republican Party have taken the bold step of endorsing…a Democrat!?! That’s right, a number of influential people behind the county party — with the largest Pachyderm Club in the country — endorsed Bill Knowles, Democratic incumbent, for county clerk.

Their statement, published at Chattanoogan.com, is priceless:

As concerned Republican leaders and citizens, we do not wish to watch a travesty take place in Hamilton County such as the one that occurred recently in the South Carolina primaries.

Dude. If you’re going to endorse a member of the opposing party, there really isn’t a reason to mince words. At least they are honest with their intentions.

However, we as Republicans ‘cannot’ support Mr. Heathington for county clerk due to his numerous criminal convictions which are a matter of public record.

Since this is a county position, no one really pays attention. It’s a shame, and I confess to ignoring county races. Unless I happened to read Joe Lance’s excellent voter guides to Chattanooga-area politics, I honestly voted for the candidate with the best yard sign. (This evolved after someone put the Disney type on their yard sign. Anyone willing to use that typeface should not hold public office regardless of party.)

The office of county clerk doesn’t seem that contentious, and Bill Knowles has been there for 36 years. Renewing your license plate is actually one of the easiest things to do in Hamilton County, and the folks in the County Courthouse are always incredibly friendly. If this was the Assessor of Property, the office that raised nearly everyone’s property assessment in a year when the housing market took a national nosedive, I could understand a race that’s closer than normal.

What has scared Republicans enough to endorse a Democrat in the section of Tennessee that has voted mostly GOP since before the Civil War? (Watch Senator Alexander give an excellent explanation of the political makeup of Tennessee if curious.)

Mr. Heathington, the Republican, appears to have a bit of a criminal background. Apparently he:

-Pled guilty in Federal Court to failure to comply with federal officials and directives, 1982. Sentenced to 30 days in jail, suspended and placed on probation.
-Pled guilty to assault in 1983 and received six months suspended sentence.
-While on federal probation, pled guilty to DUI in 1990 and received 11 months/29 days, suspended after 45 days in jail and $500 fine paid.
-Pled guilty 1990 to driving on a revoked license and was given 30 days in the workhouse as well as fined $200.
-Pled guilty August 2008 to possession of gambling devices or records and was fined $50.

While I’m willing to give people second chances, especially for crimes committed twenty years ago, he really has HamCo insiders frightened. What triggered this? According to an opinion piece from Roy Exum, who publishes almost weekly opinion pieces at Chattanoogan, an online poll has them concerned.

As of 5 a.m. this morning with 1,528 responses, a poll asking, “For county clerk of Hamilton County, do you favor?” the poll showed Bill has a comfortable 66-34 margin over his Republican rival, Chester Heathington. What everyone with any knowledge of Hamilton County knows is, that last number is insane

Facepalm? Online polls are hardly accurate, and Chattanoogan polls can stay open for weeks at at time. You can even vote more than once. I’m frankly surprised that 1,500 people took the time to click a response on an issue regarding the county clerk.

While Mr. Exum has a valid point that straight-ticket voters could elect Heathington, local primaries have notoriously low turnouts, particularly ones during peak vacation periods like the beginning of August. Honestly, if Bill Knowles got all of his friends and family turned out to vote, he’d have a greater impact on the election than any other factor.

The real problem here is that it is incredibly easy to run for public office, and the Republicans still couldn’t find anyone to primary Heathington. That shows a far bigger issue than an online poll having a narrow gap of 17 points! There are strong arguments for eliminating national parties since we no longer need their machines to elect a majority party. The only reason to keep local parties around is to recruit and train future candidates.

The Hamilton County GOP is huge. Why aren’t they working to motivate and train potential candidates? That scenario alone exemplifies why so many grassroots Americans are fed up with the GOP. We may be leading on the generic ballot nationally, but Americans are more upset with the Democrats. We’re not the favored party. We’re the lessor of two evils. That’s not a good place to be.

Obviously, this system is failing us. If local insiders can’t recruit a friend to run for office (and apparently lose) or discourage anyone from running against a popular incumbent, there are far bigger issues than a 17 point gap on an online poll. Tennesseans want training, activism and leadership not social functions and good ol’ boy networks.

As part of the movement to grow and process your own food, home breweries are popular. I guess moonshine was the next logical step. Per the BBC:

Though most prosecutions continue to be in the south, many of today’s new moonshiners are hipster kids, foodie enthusiasts and hobbyists on America’s coasts, making booze in their kitchens and bathrooms.

Growing up in the foothills of Appalachia, this just seems…strange. To me, moonshine means redneck and white trash. If you’ve ever seen or smelled a still, I question the desire to build one in your kitchen and bathroom.

Certainly moonshining is part of the cultural fabric in the South. NASCAR got its start when moonshiners built fast cars to escape local authorities. Reports of knowing someone who bought moonshine from a neighbor’s brother’s cousin’s fraternity friend are not that exceptional. In college, I had co-workers who frequently bought moonshine in Scott County, Tennessee. And by tradition, some people keep a jar of moonshine in their car in case they run out of gas. Other friends actually drank some of the famous apple pie moonshine that Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton made that the Double XX story mentions.

According to both stories, part of the allure of moonshine is breaking the law and sticking it to “The Man.” So of course Double XX makes the leap to Tea Party folks:

Despite the potential appeal to Manhattan cocktailers, the real draw of moonshine at this moment in time may be its links to “the elemental rural libertarianism that shaped American politics.” (Tea Party moonshine, anyone?)

I can somewhat understand the appeal. Sometimes both sides of the political spectrum move so far to the fringe that they share common beliefs. The anti-commercialism, anti-corporate urbanites are drawn to the illicit spirit just like Middle America libertarians are. To my understanding, it’s not illegal to make moonshine for personal consumption, but it is illegal to sell it. (Someone, please correct me if I’m wrong.) That feeds into the personal liberty trend growing in this country.

There are drawbacks. Sales of moonshine are illegal not only because of lost tax revenue, but also because homemade grain alcohol can be dangerous. Moonshine is almost pure alcohol and isn’t that far off from the ethanol used as a supplement in gasoline–hence the reason to keep a jar in your trunk. Anti-government types and foodies may like the naturalness of moonshine, but there are benefits of buying liquor and food from licensed companies that follow safety regulations.

Stories like this make me wonder why urban-dwellers are so pretentious and look down at those in the South and fly-over country. What’s redneck to me is apparently cutting-edge to hipsters.

Also, if you want even more Basil action, follow his Twitter feed.

When South Carolina hasn’t been in the news, Alabama candidates have filled the void of interesting political stories this cycle.

Tennnessee, here’s your chance to share some of that glory. I’ve briefly mentioned Basil Marceaux, a Chattanoogan who appears to run for something every election cycle. For the first time, I present Mr. Marceaux in his own words.

I’ve previously stated that Dale Peterson needed to have a cable news show with Alvin Greene. I take that back. I think Mr. Marceaux here is a better match for the dark horse candidate from South Carolina.

H/T Nathan at Holding Down the Fort via email.

This weekend, my parents found this cutie off of Boyscout Road in the Hixson/Middle Valley part of Hamilton County. She was sitting in their front yard when they returned from a Fourth of July barbecue.*

She’s black with brown paws and had a red collar with no tags. She wasn’t micro-chipped. She’s about six pounds and appears to be a Chihuahua mix. My parents describe her as older because her muzzle is so gray. She is also gentle but has plenty of energy.

She’s housebroken and very sweet. She was starving and her ribs were showing when she found my parents. She’s mostly slept the past few days and cowers like she was possibly mistreated by someone.

The dog, which my folks refer to as Little Black Dog or Small Emergency Backup Dog after the legendary Dave Barry column, is a digger. She dug a hole in my parents backyard, escaped and then went to the front door to be let back in.

While my parents wouldn’t mind another dog, Sunny, the Irish Setter/Golden Retriever they adopted from a shelter back in November, isn’t too keen on having a sibling. She occasionally growls at the little dog, and my parents are hesitant to leave them alone together.

Please email me at cosmoconblog@gmail.com if you’ve heard about anyone looking for a dog that matches this description in the Chattanooga area. I’d love to see this elderly pup reunited with her family.

*Can animals sense houses belonging to pet lovers? This is the second time my parents were adopted by an animal. When I was in elementary school, a mama cat adopted my family after watching us for a couple of days. At the time we had two cats and a dog. One evening in the pouring down rain, we heard a cat meowing outside. When we investigated, we found a kitten. This happened three more times until the Mom Cat came in the garage and settled down. When the kittens were old enough, we found homes for them, and Mom Cat disappeared. Perhaps my parents have “sucker” written on their house in some code only animals understand.

The head basketball coach endorsing a candidate from the family that collectively serves as single biggest donor in the history of the University certainly has the appearance of quid pro quo. I’m in no way accusing wrong-doing here, but it looks suspicious.

Pearl is an extremely popular figure, especially in East Tennessee. Since arriving at UT in 2005, he’s worked a miracle with our men’s basketball team. Prior to his tenure, men’s basketball was viewed as hopeless. In order for Bill Haslam to win the nomination, his support is going to have to turn out in East Tennessee. It’s also the only part of the state where he has high name ID.

The Haslam family’s relationship to the University is too close for one of its high-profile leaders to make an endorsement. This should be seriously questioned. However, the Knoxville media has a long-history of looking the other way when UT does something wrong.

For those outside of Knoxville, the Haslam family essentially runs everything in the area. They own Pilot Travel Centers, the chain of gas stations and convenience stores in the Southeast. Given their vast oil fortune, they’ve made considerable philanthropic donations in the Knoxville area. By all accounts, the family is very generous and philanthropic. Close friends of mine have worked for Pilot and attest that it is a good, family company.

When I volunteered or interned for various nonprofits in college, the general attitude was not to do anything that upset Daddy Haslam, as James Haslam, II is known. The same friends, who were former Pilot employees, also quickly jumped on the Bill Haslam for Governor bandwagon, explaining that the company wouldn’t look fondly on employees supporting another candidate.

The Haslam family is also very Republican. Bill Haslam is currently mayor of Knoxville and is running against Congressman Zach Wamp.

My dislike of self-funding candidates is noted here, and Bill Haslam is about as self-funded as you can get.

Why is it questionable that Pearl endorsed Bill Haslam?

The Haslam family is the single largest donor in  University of Tennessee history. In recent years (I believe it was 2007), they gave an unprecedented $32.5 million to the University with 30% going directly to the athletic department. Since Haslam is the only gubernatorial candidate who refuses to release his tax records, this endorsement appears questionable.

The overall gifts of the Haslam family can be tracked, but since Bill Haslam won’t release his financial records, there is no way of proving that this endorsement is not in return for donations. The donations that are on the record paint a very cozy picture between the Haslams and the UT Athletic Department and the larger University system.

Daddy Haslam served as a Trustee of the University of Tennessee system for decades. He is also the chairman of executive committee for the UT Athletics Board, the body that directly oversees Coach Pearl. University athletic departments are notoriously secretive about donations, so it is impossible to know exactly who and how much in the Haslam family has contributed over the years.

According to current records, Daddy Haslam and his son, James A. “Jimmy” Haslam III (president of Pilot) are members of the Torchbearer Society, the elite group of donors who have given more than $10 million. Two family-operated foundations also contribute to the University: the Haslam Family Foundation, which is listed as donating between $5 million and $10 million, and the Haslam 3  Foundation, which gave between $100,000-$500,000. Jimmy Haslam and his wife, Dee, also established the Haslam Scholars program.

Per their IRS 990s, Bill Haslam is a director of the Haslam Family Foundation. In2008(the latest year a 990 is available), the Haslam Family Foundation gave the University nearly $1.2 million. As a director of the foundation, he would have signed off on that contribution.

Shouldn’t it raise eyebrows when Bruce Pearl, a direct beneficiary of this family through his job at the University, endorses one of the sons? Remember that enormous gift of $32.5 milion? The chunk of change from Daddy Haslam alone gave $9.2 million to the athletic department, which in turn pays Bruce Pearl’s salary of $2.4 million each year.

It could be argued that all of this is Daddy Haslam and brother Jimmy. Knoxville is a smaller city. Prominent people always know each other. There is not necessarily quid pro quo in this situation.

However, Bill Haslam hasn’t operated a transparent campaign. He should release his tax records, which contain a paper trail of his charitable giving. If there was no wrong-doing, they would clearly exonerate him from any misgivings or inappropriate endorsements earned through high dollar donations to the University.

The UT Athletic Department also doesn’t have the best reputation. The football program is currently under investigation from the NCAA for recruiting violations. Like most major athletic universities, rumors have always churned about less-than-honorable activities.

Given Haslam’s reluctance to run a transparent campaign and a long history of questionable actions by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, shouldn’t this endorsement be questioned?

Nope, a state that I’m a little more familiar with won the top dishonors. Tennessee now has the dubious award of no. 1 in the country for corruption.  This was followed by my current state of residence, Virginia. Louisiana was no. 19.

Should I be surprised? After all, the Ford family calls Memphis home. If you haven’t ever followed the politics of Harold Ford, Jr.’s extended family, you’re missing drama. They would make a fascinating cable television series on HBO or FX. Actually a television show focusing on the interworkings of Shelby County would make great TV.

Then we had Operation Tennessee Waltz, which brought down a few more state legislators, including a member of the Ford family, for getting caught in a FBI bribery sting.

Consider how Fred Thompson got his start in Hollywood. He did a screen test to play himself in the movie version of Marie, the story that brought down Governor Roy Blanton and corrupt state officials at the Tennessee Parole Board.

According to The Daily Beast, which examined public corruption, embezzlement, forgery and counterfeiting, fraud, racketeering and extortion over the past 10 years, Tennessee ranks at the top:

Public Corruption: 18
Racketeering & Extortion: 11
Fraud Rank: 7
Forgery & Counterfeiting: 5
Embezzlement: 9

Recent Scandal: Here’s a foolproof recipe for corruption: a former policeman commingling with gang members. Milburn Williams, a retired police captain from Newport, ringleaders Raymond Hawk and Grant Williams, and 20 others were indicted on racketeering, drug trafficking and a slew of other charges last year in Greeneville. The sting operation was headed by the Federal Bureau of Investigation and centered around a chop shop called “H-1 Auto”, later renamed “A Automotive.” For six years the chop shop was the command post for an operation that allegedly moved stolen property and goods across state lines and sold cocaine and marijuana. The most serious of the charges carry up to $2 million in fines and 40 years in prison.

Normally, I’m proud of the state where I grew up. Not so much today.

Vic James Photography

Are you in the DC area? Take your happy hour money and put it to a good cause tomorrow night. The Tennessee State Society is hosting a benefit tomorrow, Wednesday, May 19 at the Sign of the Whale from 7-9 p.m. Facebook invite here.

Who: Tennessee State Society
What: Fundraiser to Help Flood Victims
When: Wednesday, May 19 from 7-9 p.m.
Where: Sign of the Whale (1825 M Street NW, Washington, DC 20036)
Cost: $10 wristband at the door and $3 domestic beer and mixed drinks.

The event will benefit the Community Foundation of Middle Tennessee and the Community Foundation of Greater Memphis.

If you’ve followed my posts, you’ll know that Middle and West Tennessee were hit with devastating floods a few weeks ago. Please stop by and help them out tomorrow night. If you’re in DC, you’re probably drinking anyway.

CFACT and a few grassroots groups have teamed up to have a great event. In the morning from 8-11:30 a.m., they will protest outside of Thompson-Boling Arena to during the commencement event. See the Facebook invitation for more information.

TONIGHT, the filmmakers behind Not Evil, Just Wrong will be in town with a screening of their documentary at the World’s Fair Park Amphitheater. For more details, look at the Facebook invite.

From the CFACT website:

First, on Thursday, May 13th at 7 PM CFACT will host “Climate: The Counter Consensus” at the Tennessee Amphitheater in the World’s Fair Park.   The event will feature Lord Christopher Monckton who last weeked testified before Congress on global warming, Ann and Phelim McElhinney, producers of the documentary ‘Not Evil, Just Wrong’ which debunks Gore’s film “An Incovenient Truth” and others.

I heard Lord Monckton speak at the Tax Day Rally in DC. Don’t miss this opportunity if you’re in the Knoxville area.